Friday, 14-03-08

You know what the beauty about all these Friday blogs is? I can find the most randomest BS to talk about, and it's ok, because the only person I'm accountable to is myself. And I'm okay so long as I put something up.

Anyways, the first movie is 18 Wheels of Justice.
http://www.mediadis.com/pictures/big/144602.JPG


Year: 2000

Cast

Michael White - Michael Cates/ Chance Bowman

John DeMita - Deputy John Keane

Billy Dee Williams - Sargeant Burton Hardesty

Michael Cates works as an agent for the Department of Justice. He's given an assignment to infiltrate the organization of Jacob Calder, a deadly and vicious crime boss, by posing as one of his bodyguards.
But when Cates watches Calder kill his mistress, he testifies against him and Calder is convicted. This guy is a crime boss. He obviously knows everything. So Calder gets his gang to kidnap Cates’ wife and daughter.

Now, in order to save his family, Cates’ boss Burton Hardesty convinces him that he must - wait for it - go undercover as Chance Bowman, a trucker with a mission!

Honestly, the parts that aren't totally corny, just seem like it was stolen straight from Die Hard, though I'm sure a few people over 40 might actually like it.

2.5/10


I'll post more with time.

The director of that movie was probably abused as a child.

Anus Magillicutty

I know, it sounds like a porno. It'd probably be better as a porno.

http://i.imdb.com/Photos/Ss/0400172/magillicover.jpg
(Not 'shopped. That really was the best critique they could find. It's the DVD cover.)


Cast
Lloyd Garner III - Anus Magillicutty (as Henry Lloyd)
Paige Abbott - Anus's Woman
Joe Hall - Chee Chee / Satan / Mimey / Kitchen Assassin
Buddy Golden - Brother Magillicutty
Alissa Weidel - Ashley
Skip Winston - The White Trash Piece of Shit
Chuck - Father Magillicutty
Daryl Khan - Assassin / Rotting Corpse

When Anus Magillicutty's woman stops a would-be assassin, Anus is forced to interrupt his life of guzzling beer and women to dispose of the corpse. What starts as a simple chore quickly escalates into a darker plot of deceit and revenge where it seems even Satan himself is after Anus.

As the tagline says, this is the Anti-Movie that Anti-Matters. Seriously. This movie was created for you to hate. It is remarkable piece of (shit) film-making. I mean, it takes serious bowel movements to come up with this crap.

Anyone can tell it was 99.9% unscripted. And as described by the director himself, it is the quintessential "worst film ever". And he's damned proud to say it. Unfortunately for him, even though it was the worst movie on IMDb's Bottom 250 list, it was de-throwned a while back. So it's no-longer the worst film ever, and of course no where near the best, leaving it floating in the bad movie ether forever.

Anus is a moron, but in a way that seems not like acting but just an extension of the actor's own personality. His girl, played by Paige Abbot (I'm sure she's a dyke in real life), looks like a young, fatter, more revulsion/vomit-inducing Shelley Duvall (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001167/) (C'mon, The Shining?). She has no qualms about going fully nude in a showering scene and shouting her mouth off with enough dirt to choke a bucket of worms. The rest of the cast have never appeared in any other film and, God willing, never will ever again. Satan is a waddling gait in a nylon body-condom with a stupid mask who hides behinds trees.

And that's that basically summed up.

But there is a crazy drunk who shouts insane instances like "I was in the hotdog!" that makes it all worth it.


1/10

Yeah...it definitely does sound like a porno title...and wow, the way this movie sounds makes me want to vomit already.

The Cure for Insomnia

Cast
Cosmic Lightning ... Themselves
L.D. Groban
J.T.4 ... Themselves

Directed by John Henry Timmis IV

Runtime: 5220 min

Plot Outline: This film is basically an experiment designed to reprogram biological clocks for insomniacs so they can sleep again. L.D. Groban reads his own poem during the span of about four days, which is interspliced with stock footage of heavy-metal videos and x-rated footage.